Country Haiku

2010-09-18T07:00:00.000-05:00

I have to tell you
Today was a fairy tale
In that it was Grimm

2010-09-17T18:55:00.000-05:00

It's OK, Kanye
We're all jackasses sometimes
You're just good at it

2010-09-16T18:55:00.001-05:00

You are the best thing
That's ever been mine -- oh wait
There's also my car

2010-08-24T17:46:00.000-05:00

Ruby, don't go out
Or I will take this wheelchair
And run you over

2010-08-23T17:44:00.001-05:00

Mr. conductor?
This guy next to me just died
He was a gambler

2010-07-24T08:14:00.000-05:00

Go ahead, whip me
I just get off on the pain
I've been bad, mistress!

2010-07-23T08:12:00.001-05:00

Hey there, working man
With your hard hat and hammer
We're laying you off

2010-07-22T08:09:00.000-05:00

Pour your love on me
Just don't pour your beer on me
This is a new shirt

2010-07-21T08:07:00.000-05:00

If you don't take me
Down to the little white church
No more ass for you

2010-07-20T08:04:00.000-05:00

Since my only skill
Is drinking beer very well
I don't have a job

2010-07-18T19:57:00.002-05:00

The house that built me
Was bought up, flipped and resold
Now in foreclosure

2010-07-09T20:39:00.001-05:00

I'm gonna sit down
And I'll smoke a little smoke
And then ... uh ... dude ... what?

2010-06-28T18:20:00.000-05:00

Losing your hand, wife,
Brother, father and your house?
That dude's unlucky

2010-06-27T18:10:00.000-05:00

She makes Kracker smile
But no woman could help him
To sing like a bird

2010-06-26T18:06:00.002-05:00

In our kind of love
We're up for anything, right?
Try on these handcuffs

2010-06-17T04:15:00.000-05:00

We'll live in a van
Doesn't that sound great, darling?
Hey, stop hitting me!

2010-06-16T16:11:00.000-05:00

If you want to hear
One more "old man's advice" song
Well, ain't you crazy?

2010-06-14T16:08:00.000-05:00

You want a band name
That beats "The Long Road to Love"?
You just keep praying

2010-06-13T13:03:00.000-05:00

Fat dog, skinny dog
Little itty bitty dog
Let me see ... Snoop Dogg?

2010-06-12T15:55:00.000-05:00

There ain't nothing like
A Sonia Dada cover
To say "I'm country"

2010-06-11T13:52:00.000-05:00

If you don't follow
@DrunkenMartina's Twitter
You're wrong baby wrong

2010-06-10T14:45:00.000-05:00

Uh uh uh uh uh
Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh
Uh uh undo it

2010-06-09T15:44:00.000-05:00

Rain is a good thing
Until it destroys Nashville
Then it kinda sucks

2010-05-20T15:01:00.000-05:00

We're unstoppable
Also unlistenable,
intolerable

2010-05-18T14:59:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder
On this Highway 20 ride
Should I move closer?

2010-05-17T14:53:00.000-05:00

Out in the backwoods ...
Insert country cliché here
Repeat as needed

2010-05-15T14:51:00.000-05:00

Gotta get to you
Even if I break this damn
Restraining order

2010-05-14T14:50:00.000-05:00

Discovered the beach
Disappeared up my own ass
And I ain't back yet

2010-05-13T14:48:00.000-05:00

Please, dear God, make me
The man that I want to be
James Bond plus John Holmes

2010-05-12T14:46:00.001-05:00

Gimmie that girl, please
No, not that one, the blonde one
Here's my credit card

2010-05-05T00:52:00.000-05:00

When the lightning strikes
That makes a sonic shock wave
And the thunder rolls

2010-05-04T00:50:00.000-05:00

Operator, please
Put me through to Baton Rouge
A cell phone? What's that?

2010-05-03T00:46:00.000-05:00

She walks the beaches
Of Cheyenne in a black veil
Oh wait, wrong mourner

2010-05-02T22:31:00.000-05:00

How high's the water?
Five feet high and rising ... wait
Six ... seven ... oh, crap

2010-04-30T00:47:00.000-05:00

What's she doing now?
Guess I don't have to wonder
We're friends on Facebook

2010-04-29T12:43:00.000-05:00

Time for a beer run
Pull the lawnmower around
George, I'll let you drive

2010-04-28T12:41:00.000-05:00

When we can just say
We're in favor of gay rights
Then we shall be free

2010-04-27T10:33:00.000-05:00

Dude, are you drinking
Both those pina coladas?
You're a girl-drink drunk

2010-04-26T12:27:00.002-05:00

Call me a chicken
I'll just stand outside the fire
You go right ahead

2010-04-23T09:35:00.000-05:00

I said I wanted
To love somebody LIKE you
Not you precisely

2010-04-22T09:32:00.000-05:00

I'm with the police
I look into cold cases
Yes, it's about Earl

2010-04-21T11:31:00.001-05:00

Well, it's been a while
I'm ready to make nice now
Kidding! Kiss my ass

2010-04-18T13:38:00.000-05:00

I feel a presence
There's a stranger in my house
Wait, that's just a plant

2010-04-17T13:37:00.000-05:00

Just face it, darling
There's no getting over me
So get under me

2010-04-16T13:34:00.000-05:00

Hitch-hiked from L.A.
To Knoxville looking for her
Man, I need a car

2010-04-15T13:32:00.001-05:00

I saw the doctor
About my seven-year ache
Got some painkillers

2010-04-10T14:19:00.000-05:00

Mama's got the pill
Now that one's not on the way
I can get lucky

2010-04-09T07:51:00.000-05:00

On some beach somewhere
I'm working up the nerve to
Say "son of a bitch"

2010-04-08T19:49:00.001-05:00

Drink drink take pills drink
Nashville sucks drink take pills drink
I'm Hank III, by god!

2010-04-05T10:18:00.000-05:00

Portland, Oregon
Is a very fine place to
Hook up with Jack White

2010-04-04T14:17:00.000-05:00

Mississippi man
Louisiana woman
Mexican divorce

2010-04-03T14:11:00.001-05:00

You come home drinkin'
And with lovin' on your mind
You'll be on the couch

2010-04-01T03:04:00.000-05:00

They called him "The Streak"
'Til someone got a good look
Now he's called "Shorty"

2010-03-31T05:59:00.000-05:00

Bobbie Sue was nice
Almost married her before
I met Elvira

2010-03-30T14:58:00.000-05:00

Making a sex tape
If guys do it all the time
Then why shouldn't I?

2010-03-28T16:57:00.002-05:00

The devil's right hand
Is a gun, which makes it tough
For him to hold things

2010-03-27T14:15:00.000-05:00

The little moments
When I ridicule my wife
That's what I live for

2010-03-26T14:12:00.001-05:00

I so love water
That I drink it every day
And take baths in it

2010-03-24T04:22:00.000-05:00

You can't joke about
"Go Rest High On That Mountain"
Believe me, I've tried

2010-03-23T16:21:00.000-05:00

There may be a bit
Of dust on this ol' bottle
I will still drink it

2010-03-22T16:16:00.000-05:00

Love you, love this town
No, I really feel that way
Sarcasm? Not me

2010-03-22T16:11:00.001-05:00

You don't want to hear
One more dumb "country boy" song?
Kiss my country ass!

2010-03-19T09:14:00.000-05:00

I have been living
On the wrong side of Memphis
Got robbed yet again

2010-03-18T10:12:00.000-05:00

I can feel you breathe
Your respiratory health
Matters much to me

2010-03-17T10:10:00.000-05:00

Ooh, I love the way
You love the way you love me
Wait, who loves who here?

2010-03-16T14:44:00.000-05:00

God-fearin' women
Like to make dead baby jokes
And grow lots of pot

2010-03-16T14:08:00.000-05:00

Your love is like a
Red umbrella -- I bought it
And then I lost it

2010-03-14T14:45:00.000-05:00

I just call you mine
To be honest, that's because
I forgot your name

2010-03-13T14:36:00.002-06:00

Your nobody called
Now I have caller ID
So I know her name

2010-03-12T14:14:00.001-06:00

I once shot a dude
Over an El Paso girl
Still didn't get laid

2010-03-10T19:41:00.001-06:00

That old man Wrigley
Offered me advice on life
Like, always chew gum

2010-03-09T13:06:00.000-06:00

If I were between
Waylon Jennings and George Jones
I would be half dead

2010-03-08T17:00:00.001-06:00

If you're gonna cheat
Please don't cheat in our hometown
Go somewhere else, skank

2010-03-06T02:55:00.000-06:00

Temporary homes?
Since the housing bubble burst
That's what they all are

2010-03-05T14:53:00.001-06:00

How country boys roll:
First, have about 20 beers
Then fire up the truck

2010-03-03T05:27:00.000-06:00

God and my grandpa
Beat Japan in World War II
Else you'd speak German

2010-03-02T17:25:00.000-06:00

I work all week long
To put beer on the table
So you drink it, son!

2010-02-28T00:51:00.000-06:00

An eight second ride
That is what I'm promising
Maybe even nine

2010-02-27T00:46:00.000-06:00

I no longer am
A man of constant sorrow
Antidepressants!

2010-02-26T12:45:00.001-06:00

You cannot judge me
'Cause guys do it all the time
Please just pay my bail

2010-02-24T10:51:00.000-06:00

You go have your fun
I think I'll stay here and drink
Too bad it's O'Douls

2010-02-23T02:00:00.000-06:00

Pardon me, stranger
I'm a lonesome fugitive
Will you be my friend?

2010-02-22T03:43:00.000-06:00

Single white female
Looking for a special man
No psychopaths, please

2010-02-19T05:57:00.000-06:00

This moment could be
History in the making
Or just a hookup

2010-02-18T05:53:00.000-06:00

Why don't we just dance?
And of course by "dance" I mean
"Have perverted sex"

2010-02-17T17:50:00.000-06:00

Why do you insist
There is no Arizona?
Here, look at this map

2010-02-16T17:49:00.000-06:00

I've got my friend here
I guess I'm doing alright
(Friend with benefits)

2010-02-15T17:46:00.001-06:00

I want you to burn
Like a candle in my night
Or an effigy

2010-02-14T17:43:00.000-06:00

Heads, Carolina
Tails, California -- no, wait
Which Carolina?

2010-02-12T13:18:00.000-06:00

I don't mind saying
Some girls don't like boys like me
Others aren't picky

2010-02-12T13:01:00.001-06:00

We're two of a kind
We're working on a full house
Or at least a flush

2010-02-11T13:15:00.000-06:00

I can now discuss
Politics and religion
Her: still off limits

2010-02-09T12:06:00.001-06:00

Take that thing away
I don't need your rocking chair
I have got my own

2010-02-08T13:24:00.002-06:00

Consider me gone
And when I return again
Consider me back

2010-02-05T13:09:00.000-06:00

I have to wonder
Who is gonna fill their shoes
They're like size 14

2010-02-04T12:33:00.000-06:00

You belong with me
That's why I built this dungeon
Now you are all mine!

2010-02-03T12:26:00.000-06:00

I've been everywhere
Travel I've had my share, man
Frequent flier miles!

2010-02-02T12:21:00.000-06:00

I guess it's not so
Funny how time slips away
I'm high, after all

2010-01-29T02:35:00.000-06:00

"Love Story": princess
"White Horse": "I'm not a princess"
"Fairytale": princess

2010-01-28T02:32:00.000-06:00

You are gonna change
Or else I am gonna leave
What? You're leaving? Oh